1
00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:52,721
Huh?
2
00:00:54,681 --> 00:00:56,601
Oh!
3
00:01:05,481 --> 00:01:07,361
Oh...
4
00:01:38,561 --> 00:01:41,441
Hello. Is this emergency?
5
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:45,081
Yeah, I was just wondering if someone's
handed in a penis recently.
6
00:01:45,241 --> 00:01:49,281
You will burn in hell
for this, you bastard!
7
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,401
Found it. Must have rolled
under the side of the bed.
8
00:01:56,561 --> 00:01:58,441
Go! Go!
9
00:01:59,441 --> 00:02:01,201
Mrs Alford?
Yes.
10
00:02:01,361 --> 00:02:03,641
I was just wondering if your
husband Alexander was home.
11
00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,361
Well, what's it about?
12
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,521
Hello there.
13
00:02:08,681 --> 00:02:10,681
What seems
to be the trouble here?
14
00:02:11,681 --> 00:02:13,321
Oh, yes.
15
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:15,041
It's very bruised.
16
00:02:16,241 --> 00:02:18,081
Is that tender?
Ooh! Yes!
17
00:02:18,241 --> 00:02:20,561
Yeah, I was kicked in them.
18
00:02:20,721 --> 00:02:23,361
Here?
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
19
00:02:23,521 --> 00:02:24,841
Does it hurt when you pass urine?
20
00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:26,801
It hurts when I squeeze
toothpaste, mate.
21
00:02:26,961 --> 00:02:28,881
It hurts when I change
radio stations.
22
00:02:29,041 --> 00:02:30,681
It fucking hurts, alright?
23
00:02:30,841 --> 00:02:33,881
It's like I got a couple
of bowling balls down there.
24
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:35,401
Can you achieve an erection?
25
00:02:35,561 --> 00:02:37,361
Do you really think
I'm gonna pull this out
26
00:02:37,521 --> 00:02:39,561
in front of anybody without
six years of medical training?
27
00:02:39,721 --> 00:02:41,321
It looks like a blue-ringed octopus!
28
00:02:41,481 --> 00:02:44,201
Yes, well, I would avoid
show-and-tell for some time.
29
00:02:44,361 --> 00:02:46,881
In fact, I'd be steering clear
of sex for a while.
30
00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:49,321
Uh, I suspect it's only bruising,
31
00:02:49,481 --> 00:02:51,201
but I wouldn't mind
running some tests.
32
00:02:53,961 --> 00:02:56,881
You absolute bastard!
33
00:02:58,401 --> 00:03:02,601
Uh, I'm sorry. Would you
excuse us, please, ladies?
34
00:03:02,761 --> 00:03:05,801
I think someone's
got the grumps with me.
35
00:03:05,961 --> 00:03:07,441
Excuse me.
36
00:03:13,841 --> 00:03:16,441
You attack this woman
37
00:03:16,601 --> 00:03:19,321
and then you conned me
into covering for you.
38
00:03:19,481 --> 00:03:22,081
I haven't been charged
and I didn't do it.
39
00:03:22,241 --> 00:03:26,041
Because of you, I perjured myself
in a sworn statement to the police.
40
00:03:26,201 --> 00:03:28,201
Yes, yes. Why did you do that?
41
00:03:28,361 --> 00:03:32,481
I had trouble understanding
that myself. Then I got these.
42
00:03:32,641 --> 00:03:35,001
Where are they? Jesus, filing.
43
00:03:35,161 --> 00:03:36,801
Oh, here we go!
44
00:03:39,441 --> 00:03:43,241
Oh, look. Here's a nice one of you
getting into the lifts at the Hyatt.
45
00:03:43,401 --> 00:03:45,441
1:51pm - around the same time
46
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,121
I'm supposed to be
knocking off this woman -
47
00:03:47,281 --> 00:03:49,081
hot to go to the 21st floor.
48
00:03:49,241 --> 00:03:50,881
You had me followed?
No!
49
00:03:51,041 --> 00:03:53,121
No interest in you whatsoever.
50
00:03:54,121 --> 00:03:56,761
This is against the law.
51
00:03:56,921 --> 00:03:58,361
Oh, surely you must know by now
52
00:03:58,521 --> 00:04:01,881
for all practical purposes
I am the law in this state
53
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,921
and he is my direct opposition.
54
00:04:04,081 --> 00:04:06,121
I mean, it's my business
to know everything about him.
55
00:04:06,281 --> 00:04:07,601
So imagine our delight
56
00:04:07,761 --> 00:04:10,001
when the pretzel gets in the lift
two minutes after you
57
00:04:10,161 --> 00:04:12,521
and then guess what floor he goes to.
58
00:04:12,681 --> 00:04:15,601
No, nothing happened.
I just had a drink with him.
59
00:04:15,761 --> 00:04:17,721
Well, this one suggests otherwise,
60
00:04:17,881 --> 00:04:20,601
one hour and 15 minutes later.
61
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,161
Yeah, he's not a stayer, is he?
62
00:04:23,321 --> 00:04:27,601
Look, word of advice
from an old hand, hey?
63
00:04:27,761 --> 00:04:31,481
Always take two lifts
and leave 10 minutes apart.
64
00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:35,481
You will never get away with
what you've done to this poor woman.
65
00:04:35,641 --> 00:04:38,041
You keep forgetting
I haven't been charged.
66
00:04:38,201 --> 00:04:40,641
I'm just a "person of interest".
67
00:04:40,801 --> 00:04:44,201
Gotta love that term.
It's worthy of a gravestone.
68
00:04:44,361 --> 00:04:49,201
"Callum Dalgleish McGregor -
Person of Interest."
69
00:04:49,361 --> 00:04:51,361
You don't scare me.
70
00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,001
Hmph.
71
00:05:07,321 --> 00:05:10,361
Wow.
Yeah, big wow, big wow.
72
00:05:10,521 --> 00:05:13,601
OK, that's it. That has to be it.
73
00:05:13,761 --> 00:05:15,401
Oh, yeah, yeah.
74
00:05:15,561 --> 00:05:17,401
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I can't...
75
00:05:17,561 --> 00:05:21,161
We can't do this.
I can't keep doing this.
76
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,641
No, I know.
77
00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:24,441
OK, OK.
78
00:05:24,601 --> 00:05:25,921
I agree.
79
00:05:26,081 --> 00:05:27,681
I'm getting married
in three weeks, you know?
80
00:05:27,841 --> 00:05:30,521
If I keep doing this
I'm going to go mad.
81
00:05:31,521 --> 00:05:34,161
I'm not this sort of person.
At least, I never thought I was.
82
00:05:34,321 --> 00:05:37,801
I know. You're not. I'm not.
You're not and I'm not.
83
00:05:37,961 --> 00:05:40,241
I'm not the kind of person
who has shabby affairs.
84
00:05:40,401 --> 00:05:41,561
Yeah.
85
00:05:43,401 --> 00:05:44,881
Oh...
86
00:05:45,881 --> 00:05:47,881
Alright.
OK.
87
00:05:48,041 --> 00:05:50,121
Mm.
Yep, alright.
88
00:05:50,281 --> 00:05:51,601
Mm, mm.
89
00:05:51,761 --> 00:05:54,641
Yep.
Ooh.
90
00:06:06,401 --> 00:06:08,801
This is late
even by my standards.
91
00:06:08,961 --> 00:06:11,881
Get off my case, will you?
I got caught up, alright?
92
00:06:12,041 --> 00:06:15,881
You've got Tuesday's buttons
in Wednesday's holes, mate.
93
00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:17,361
So?
94
00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:20,681
You once turned up to a conference
with the DPP in a dressing gown.
95
00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:23,721
Yeah, but I'm the dissolute
brilliant one. You're Watson.
96
00:06:23,881 --> 00:06:26,161
No, you're just dissolute.
97
00:06:28,241 --> 00:06:30,681
Still sore?
Oh...
98
00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:36,961
I'm tenured.
12 years as an IT lecturer.
99
00:06:37,121 --> 00:06:42,721
I co-wrote the authoritative manual
on 120 ARM processing nodes.
100
00:06:42,881 --> 00:06:45,281
So I should be
in a lecture hall right now
101
00:06:45,441 --> 00:06:47,681
teaching my Indian students
about gigaflops
102
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,841
and instead I'm here listening
to this humiliating nonsense.
103
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:51,321
Why is that?
104
00:06:51,481 --> 00:06:53,321
The police felt your recent history
with your neighbour
105
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:54,801
suggested a pattern.
106
00:06:54,961 --> 00:06:57,841
There is no logical
sequence of events here
107
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,801
describing a uniform pattern.
108
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,761
It's merely a few squabbles.
109
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,721
And what? I'm supposed
to have cut off the man's Johnson?
110
00:07:04,881 --> 00:07:06,201
It's more than a few squabbles.
111
00:07:06,361 --> 00:07:08,801
The police have a list
of 23 separate incidents here
112
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,521
over a nine-month period.
113
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:15,121
I mean, even to non-computer people,
it does look like a bit of a pattern.
114
00:07:15,281 --> 00:07:18,121
Now, I understand it all kicked off
with a noise complaint
115
00:07:18,281 --> 00:07:19,841
about a neighbour's birthday party.
116
00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:21,801
Was it a 21st or something?
117
00:07:21,961 --> 00:07:23,721
No, Hunter was turning six.
118
00:07:23,881 --> 00:07:26,321
It was
an unbelievable commotion.
119
00:07:26,481 --> 00:07:27,881
Tell them please, Alannah.
120
00:07:28,041 --> 00:07:30,881
Well, I... We don't
have children of our own,
121
00:07:31,041 --> 00:07:33,161
so we're not used
to that level of noise.
122
00:07:33,321 --> 00:07:34,641
Alex called the police.
123
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,281
What time was this?
124
00:07:36,441 --> 00:07:39,121
3:00 in the afternoon.
Oh, fair enough.
125
00:07:39,281 --> 00:07:41,801
Alex had been to a conference
and he was trying to nap.
126
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,281
I was exhausted.
127
00:07:43,441 --> 00:07:44,801
Then he dumped garbage
on your lawn
128
00:07:44,961 --> 00:07:47,001
and then you dumped
an old tyre on his lawn?
129
00:07:47,161 --> 00:07:48,481
An old burning tyre.
130
00:07:48,641 --> 00:07:50,881
And then he cut down
our beautiful silver birch.
131
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:54,761
Yes, after you had
urinated in his petrol tank.
132
00:07:54,921 --> 00:07:57,201
Alex, this is
a very serious charge.
133
00:07:57,361 --> 00:07:59,001
The police have found
DNA evidence -
134
00:07:59,161 --> 00:08:00,961
your fingerprints
and traces of his blood
135
00:08:01,121 --> 00:08:04,681
on the...on the instrument
they believe was used.
136
00:08:04,841 --> 00:08:07,961
Yep, and I loaned him
those garden shears ages ago
137
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,441
and he never returned them.
138
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:11,481
Of course it's got my DNA on it.
139
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:14,481
I told the police all this!
Does anyone listen anymore?
140
00:08:14,641 --> 00:08:18,161
I understand you were all once friends
141
00:08:18,321 --> 00:08:22,481
in a golden age before
Archduke Ferdinand was shot?
142
00:08:22,641 --> 00:08:26,241
Alex and Bob were in
Rotary together, played squash...
143
00:08:26,401 --> 00:08:27,721
Squash.
144
00:08:27,881 --> 00:08:29,801
Went fishing.
Never caught a thing.
145
00:08:29,961 --> 00:08:31,361
And were you friends with his wife?
146
00:08:31,521 --> 00:08:33,481
Well, we played golf
a couple of times,
147
00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:36,201
but she's very good
and I'm more of a tennis girl.
148
00:08:36,361 --> 00:08:40,321
I guess we were friends.
But this is so very wrong.
149
00:08:40,481 --> 00:08:42,881
I did not cut off his business!
150
00:08:43,041 --> 00:08:46,121
I did not.
Hmm.
151
00:08:46,281 --> 00:08:48,321
I did not!
152
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:54,241
IT people just... We don't
do that sort of thing. JESUS!
153
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,721
We'll speak later?
154
00:08:58,641 --> 00:09:01,161
Darling?
155
00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:07,521
Alex and Alannah, Barbara and Bob...
156
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:10,041
The perfect initials
on the bathroom towels,
157
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:14,081
out here in this utopian dream.
158
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:17,241
What the fucking blue blazes
happened in there, mate?
159
00:09:17,401 --> 00:09:20,801
Alex is a volunteer with St Johns
Ambulance. Alannah, Meals on Wheels.
160
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,681
Barbara golfs.
One of them collects penises.
161
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:30,081
The fall from grace is a bloody quick
elevator ride, mate, I'll tell you.
162
00:09:30,241 --> 00:09:33,321
What man chops off
another man's tackle?
163
00:09:33,481 --> 00:09:35,961
And then ties a piece of string
around the stump
164
00:09:36,121 --> 00:09:38,241
so the victim doesn't
bleed to death?
165
00:09:38,401 --> 00:09:41,801
Radical circumcision's
not a Rotarian rite, is it?
166
00:09:41,961 --> 00:09:44,041
They still frown on it.
167
00:09:45,121 --> 00:09:47,241
It has to be Bob's wife.
168
00:09:47,401 --> 00:09:50,321
It's what wives do to husbands.
And she's a nurse.
169
00:09:50,481 --> 00:09:54,521
Oh, but the good Mrs Oakley
was at a golf tournie
170
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:58,761
with 200 eyewitnesses
admiring her short game.
171
00:10:06,441 --> 00:10:08,481
I've met someone.
172
00:10:10,601 --> 00:10:12,801
Shit.
Yeah.
173
00:10:12,961 --> 00:10:15,441
Does Scarlet know?
174
00:10:15,601 --> 00:10:17,881
Sort of.
175
00:10:18,041 --> 00:10:19,361
When you say 'met'...
176
00:10:19,521 --> 00:10:21,041
I mean I'm in...
177
00:10:22,041 --> 00:10:25,521
I think there might be a chance
I'm in love with the woman.
178
00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:29,201
She seems to make sense somehow.
179
00:10:29,361 --> 00:10:30,681
And the sex, what she does...
180
00:10:30,841 --> 00:10:32,641
Yeah, but are you sure that's not it?
181
00:10:32,801 --> 00:10:36,281
I mean, it could just be a root.
You're not obliged to fall in love.
182
00:10:36,441 --> 00:10:37,921
I'm not a farm animal.
183
00:10:38,081 --> 00:10:40,561
I don't just root people.
I'm not built that way.
184
00:10:41,561 --> 00:10:43,681
It has to be love. It has to be.
185
00:10:43,841 --> 00:10:45,761
Do I know her?
No, no, no, no.
186
00:10:45,921 --> 00:10:49,321
No, it... Look, it doesn't matter.
It's not going anywhere anyway.
187
00:10:49,481 --> 00:10:51,761
She's getting... She's with someone.
188
00:10:53,081 --> 00:10:54,841
Jesus.
189
00:10:57,521 --> 00:10:59,841
Why do chicks always feel the need
190
00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:02,081
to do the phone thing
with their fingers?
191
00:11:02,241 --> 00:11:06,201
Do you think they think
we don't know what a phone is?
192
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:08,841
When Alexander Bell
invented the phone,
193
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:12,161
do you think his wife invented
the finger thing at the same time?
194
00:11:12,321 --> 00:11:15,601
Mate, the most wonderful news.
Cal McGregor's raped someone.
195
00:11:15,761 --> 00:11:17,921
Direct from my contact
inside the force.
196
00:11:18,081 --> 00:11:19,841
Has he been charged?
Not yet.
197
00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:21,521
Not public. Still building a case.
198
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,081
But the only thing
standing between him
199
00:11:23,241 --> 00:11:25,201
and eight years
in an all-men's shower facility
200
00:11:25,361 --> 00:11:28,241
is the testimony of that new bitch
working for him.
201
00:11:28,401 --> 00:11:30,161
If you're referring
to Scarlet Engels,
202
00:11:30,321 --> 00:11:32,521
she and her husband
are friends of mine, OK?
203
00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:35,281
OK, well, in that case,
I'm sorry to tell you
204
00:11:35,441 --> 00:11:37,401
my cop contact reckons
she could be lying
205
00:11:37,561 --> 00:11:39,601
and may end up
joining Cal in prison.
206
00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:44,121
David, you do realise
this is a great day for the party?
207
00:11:44,281 --> 00:11:46,841
I did mention she's a friend of mine!
208
00:11:56,561 --> 00:11:59,161
Your boss is in a sea of trouble.
209
00:11:59,321 --> 00:12:01,521
I'm told you're his only alibi.
210
00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:05,441
Did you have a meeting with him
or are you covering for him?
211
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,561
Hello, David.
212
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,681
Are you asking me this
out of concern for me
213
00:12:10,841 --> 00:12:12,881
or wanting to put
the boot into him?
214
00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:15,001
I'm sorry, but I need to know.
215
00:12:15,161 --> 00:12:17,961
Was this meeting real?
Did it happen?
216
00:12:19,201 --> 00:12:22,361
No. I lied.
217
00:12:22,521 --> 00:12:26,241
Jesus. You lied to the police?
218
00:12:27,521 --> 00:12:29,281
You signed a sworn statement.
219
00:12:29,441 --> 00:12:31,121
That's right.
220
00:12:31,281 --> 00:12:35,041
Have you any idea what you've done?
Why would you do that for him?
221
00:12:35,201 --> 00:12:36,721
The meeting
that didn't happen with Cal
222
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,241
coincided perfectly with the time
223
00:12:38,401 --> 00:12:41,041
that you and I were
angsting on a hotel bed
224
00:12:41,201 --> 00:12:43,041
so I just thought...
225
00:12:43,201 --> 00:12:45,161
You are kidding.
226
00:12:46,161 --> 00:12:50,601
Had I known that I was supplying
a watertight diarised alibi for rape
227
00:12:50,761 --> 00:12:52,321
I might have given it
a second thought,
228
00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:55,641
but at the time all I could think was,
"Yay! We got away with it."
229
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:58,721
You are not putting this on me.
I thought I was helping.
230
00:12:58,881 --> 00:13:01,321
Oh, bugger that!
You were protecting yourself.
231
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,041
And Barney.
232
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:08,001
I'm sorry, Scarlet,
but no matter how I feel about you,
233
00:13:08,161 --> 00:13:10,681
I cannot and will not
be a party to perjury.
234
00:13:12,361 --> 00:13:14,321
You're on your own.
235
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,161
That much I do know.
236
00:13:22,481 --> 00:13:24,721
Hey.
237
00:13:24,881 --> 00:13:26,961
What are you doing?
Timing.
238
00:13:27,121 --> 00:13:28,881
Timing what?
239
00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,601
This claims to be
a current affairs show.
240
00:13:31,761 --> 00:13:33,721
They spent 2 minutes 10
on border protection
241
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:37,281
and 6 minutes 20
on one of the lesser Kardashians.
242
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:40,921
Up next, I speak with celebrity
psychiatrist Cassandra Wilson
243
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:44,641
about what impact this divorce
might have on the family.
244
00:13:44,801 --> 00:13:47,641
I once timed a sex scene
with Salma Hayek.
245
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:52,041
One of the happiest 1 minute
and 23.5 seconds of my life.
246
00:13:52,201 --> 00:13:54,921
I thought we might go out for dinner.
Oh, I've eaten.
247
00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:56,561
What did you eat?
Twisties.
248
00:13:56,721 --> 00:13:59,121
Can I interest you
in another food group?
249
00:14:06,561 --> 00:14:07,881
Yeah?
250
00:14:08,041 --> 00:14:11,041
Hey, I'm having
a dinner for Fuzz's birthday.
251
00:14:11,201 --> 00:14:12,921
Has he told you he's got
a new girlfriend?
252
00:14:13,081 --> 00:14:14,561
No. How old's this one?
253
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,041
Do I have to pick her up
from an aged-care facility?
254
00:14:17,201 --> 00:14:19,161
She's 17. I've met her once.
255
00:14:19,321 --> 00:14:22,321
She's, um...she's a bit serious,
but she seems gorgeous and cute
256
00:14:22,481 --> 00:14:24,321
and he's super-keen.
257
00:14:24,481 --> 00:14:25,921
Bring Melissa if you like.
258
00:14:26,081 --> 00:14:27,721
Oh, I've told you -
it's not like that.
259
00:14:27,881 --> 00:14:29,281
Did you? I don't remember.
260
00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:32,521
I'm bringing someone.
Who are you bringing?
261
00:14:32,681 --> 00:14:34,641
This guy.
262
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:36,841
Which guy?
263
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:40,241
Sally's ex, Roger.
Roger?
264
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:43,241
So to our son's birthday dinner,
265
00:14:43,401 --> 00:14:47,121
you are bringing the husband
of the woman our son was porking?
266
00:14:47,281 --> 00:14:49,681
Fuzz gets on with him
and he likes Fuzz.
267
00:14:49,841 --> 00:14:53,121
Vampira 2 has cleared off and
he's here looking after their kids.
268
00:14:53,281 --> 00:14:54,681
And I like him.
269
00:14:54,841 --> 00:14:56,321
Oh, you like him.
270
00:14:56,481 --> 00:14:58,001
Yeah, I like him.
271
00:14:58,161 --> 00:14:59,841
Yes. Yeah. I heard you.
272
00:15:00,001 --> 00:15:01,361
What are you...
273
00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:06,121
OK, well, it's nice that
you've got nice new friends.
274
00:15:07,121 --> 00:15:08,601
Hang on. Have you got a problem?
275
00:15:08,761 --> 00:15:11,361
No, I don't have a problem.
Why would I have... No.
276
00:15:11,521 --> 00:15:13,401
There's no problem.
277
00:15:13,561 --> 00:15:15,161
I'll see you there.
278
00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:27,761
Oh.
279
00:15:27,921 --> 00:15:31,441
Yes, are you right there? Do you wanna
throw a little something on?
280
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,001
I'm covered.
281
00:15:33,161 --> 00:15:36,121
Yeah, you're covered
in a way that says,
282
00:15:36,281 --> 00:15:39,921
"I'm naked apart from
this little bit of covering here."
283
00:15:40,081 --> 00:15:42,081
I'm gonna go to bed.
284
00:15:43,081 --> 00:15:44,681
Oh, well...
285
00:15:46,041 --> 00:15:48,401
Did you leave me any Twisties?
286
00:15:48,561 --> 00:15:51,001
You sent me an official invitation -
287
00:15:51,161 --> 00:15:54,081
"The honourable
August and Maria Vargas
288
00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:57,761
"invite you to attend the matrimonial
of their most precious daughter,
289
00:15:57,921 --> 00:15:59,881
"Nicolette Maria St Agnes Magda..."
290
00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:01,601
Yeah, it did not say that
291
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,521
and I only invited you
because I thought you'd say no.
292
00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:08,041
What? Free canapés and booze
and a chance to laugh at your relatives?
293
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,401
Why would I say no?
Please just don't come, OK?
294
00:16:10,561 --> 00:16:13,921
You'll get drunk and you will argue with
my extremely right-wing family
295
00:16:14,081 --> 00:16:15,401
and you'll ruin my special day.
296
00:16:15,561 --> 00:16:19,121
I already RSVP'd. I am there, baby.
297
00:16:19,281 --> 00:16:21,601
I'll be good.
Barney will keep his eye on me.
298
00:16:21,761 --> 00:16:23,321
No, he is not coming.
299
00:16:23,481 --> 00:16:25,241
He's not available.
He won't be there.
300
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,961
What do you mean,
"He's not available"?
301
00:16:27,121 --> 00:16:29,961
Barney never does anything.
Of course he's available.
302
00:16:38,881 --> 00:16:41,721
- "A coward."
- Yes, Your Honour.
303
00:16:41,881 --> 00:16:43,681
"A gutless peddler of smear"?
304
00:16:43,841 --> 00:16:45,441
Yes, Your Honour.
305
00:16:45,601 --> 00:16:48,241
"Unreliable..."
Yes, that too, Your Honour.
306
00:16:48,401 --> 00:16:50,321
"..and untrustworthy."
307
00:16:50,481 --> 00:16:53,361
Indeed, Your Honour, I called
the plaintiff all of those things.
308
00:16:53,521 --> 00:16:56,001
So we're agreed
on the imputations, then.
309
00:16:56,161 --> 00:16:58,481
At least that's some progress.
310
00:16:58,641 --> 00:17:00,361
So, Mr Greene, where do you stand?
311
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:03,761
Well, Your Honour, I shall
of course be pleading truth.
312
00:17:03,921 --> 00:17:06,601
I see it as my duty
not only to this court,
313
00:17:06,761 --> 00:17:09,601
but to decent society at large
314
00:17:09,761 --> 00:17:14,041
to prove that Mr Potter
is all of those things.
315
00:17:20,041 --> 00:17:21,721
This stinks, you know?
316
00:17:21,881 --> 00:17:24,681
I didn't start it.
Yes, you did!
317
00:17:24,841 --> 00:17:28,721
Mr Potter, you hold
yourself up publicly
318
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,641
to be an honourable and truthful man.
319
00:17:32,641 --> 00:17:34,841
Would that be a fair comment?
320
00:17:35,001 --> 00:17:36,841
I don't know if I do that,
321
00:17:37,001 --> 00:17:39,241
but I like to think of myself
as an honest man.
322
00:17:39,401 --> 00:17:40,721
I see.
323
00:17:40,881 --> 00:17:42,361
Mr Potter, this is a transcript
324
00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:46,881
of a TV interview you gave
on the 'Today Project',
325
00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:50,121
dated the 12th of July this year.
326
00:17:50,281 --> 00:17:52,121
Is that correct?
327
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:54,561
I suppose so.
328
00:17:54,721 --> 00:17:58,761
Your Honour, if you turn
to the last page,
329
00:17:58,921 --> 00:18:03,881
the interviewer, Ms Polly Nesbitt,
asks the plaintiff - and I quote -
330
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:08,601
"Have you read the bestseller
'A Thousand Lies I Have Told'
331
00:18:08,761 --> 00:18:11,401
"by the ex-prostitute JM Doolan?
332
00:18:11,561 --> 00:18:15,601
"Word is that half her clients
were Labor Party bigwigs,"
333
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:20,961
to which you responded,
"I haven't read it."
334
00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:23,841
Later, in response
to another question,
335
00:18:24,001 --> 00:18:28,801
"As I say, I don't know.
I haven't read it, Polly.
336
00:18:28,961 --> 00:18:31,721
"I wish I had more time to read.
337
00:18:31,881 --> 00:18:35,401
"I especially love fiction."
338
00:18:36,881 --> 00:18:40,481
Let me remind you, Mr Potter,
you are under oath here.
339
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,921
Have you read
'A Thousand Lies I Have Told'?
340
00:18:45,321 --> 00:18:46,641
Yes.
341
00:18:46,801 --> 00:18:48,121
Am I correct in assuming
342
00:18:48,281 --> 00:18:50,841
you had read it at the time
of the interview, Mr Potter?
343
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:54,601
Yes.
I see.
344
00:18:54,761 --> 00:18:57,241
So on national television
you openly lied
345
00:18:57,401 --> 00:19:00,201
to millions of your
fellow Australians?
346
00:19:04,441 --> 00:19:07,481
That poor man. He was
only protecting his privacy.
347
00:19:07,641 --> 00:19:09,281
Can't good people
make the odd mistake
348
00:19:09,441 --> 00:19:10,761
without the whole world
judging them?
349
00:19:10,921 --> 00:19:12,241
We're only human.
350
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,361
That's been my argument
since I was about 13.
351
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:18,561
No, you used up your quota
of forgivable mistakes years ago.
352
00:19:19,921 --> 00:19:21,361
Ah!
353
00:19:21,521 --> 00:19:23,561
I've called you in today
354
00:19:23,721 --> 00:19:27,601
because I thought we might settle
on an appropriate term
355
00:19:27,761 --> 00:19:30,841
before this wretched trial
commences.
356
00:19:31,001 --> 00:19:32,881
Uh, an appropriate term?
357
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:36,401
Mmm, yes.
358
00:19:36,561 --> 00:19:38,721
An appropriate one.
359
00:19:38,881 --> 00:19:41,761
An appropriate term
for what exactly, Your Honour?
360
00:19:41,921 --> 00:19:43,681
We're grown men here.
361
00:19:43,841 --> 00:19:46,001
Given the nature of the case,
362
00:19:46,161 --> 00:19:49,041
references will be made
apropos the item in question
363
00:19:49,201 --> 00:19:52,561
and we need to find
a workable term...
364
00:19:52,721 --> 00:19:54,041
Ah!
365
00:19:54,201 --> 00:19:56,761
..one that won't provoke
sniggers in the court.
366
00:19:56,921 --> 00:20:01,641
Right, so no, then,
to 'meat popsicle' or 'pink flute'?
367
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,081
I will not have this trial reduced
368
00:20:04,241 --> 00:20:07,561
to a mindless sideshow
of tawdry innuendo and filth-talk.
369
00:20:07,721 --> 00:20:09,721
Do you hear me, Cleaver?
Absolutely, Your Honour.
370
00:20:09,881 --> 00:20:13,321
All fair seas,
no dingle dangles, no Mr Winkies.
371
00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:15,921
Wouldn't the term 'penis'
satisfy, Dougal?
372
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:18,641
Ugly word.
373
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:24,081
I want something that might...elevate
this deeply unpleasant case.
374
00:20:24,241 --> 00:20:26,681
Well, it's a hard one to elevate,
isn't it?
375
00:20:26,841 --> 00:20:30,801
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it
to sound quite like it did.
376
00:20:30,961 --> 00:20:34,241
I don't mean to be, uh,
indelicate, Your Honour,
377
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:39,401
but may I ask how you refer to it
in the home context?
378
00:20:39,561 --> 00:20:41,881
We never do.
379
00:20:42,881 --> 00:20:44,681
Well, sometimes,
380
00:20:44,841 --> 00:20:47,001
but in context of moments
of deep personal interconnection.
381
00:20:47,161 --> 00:20:48,321
Of course.
382
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:51,961
It's just that I know your wife
to be a woman of delicate sensibility
383
00:20:52,121 --> 00:20:54,041
who would never use
an offensive term.
384
00:20:54,201 --> 00:20:57,801
When discussing matters of hygiene
when the boys were growing up,
385
00:20:57,961 --> 00:20:59,881
she referred to it as a 'whatnot'.
386
00:21:00,041 --> 00:21:01,361
A 'whatnot'?
387
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:03,961
Yes, a useful pseudonym
that causes few blushes,
388
00:21:04,121 --> 00:21:06,921
but not appropriate here.
389
00:21:07,081 --> 00:21:11,481
Well, my father referred to it
as his 'nonsense', or 'nonny',
390
00:21:11,641 --> 00:21:14,441
although I'm not sure either term
is legal lingua franca.
391
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:16,161
I'm very comfortable with either.
392
00:21:16,321 --> 00:21:18,241
No, what I propose
393
00:21:18,401 --> 00:21:21,881
is we should refer to it
by its correct Latin name,
394
00:21:22,041 --> 00:21:24,081
the 'membrum virile'.
395
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,041
'Membrum virile'? I don't
think I've heard that one.
396
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:27,681
It's in 'The Greater Dictionary'.
397
00:21:27,841 --> 00:21:29,601
Ah. Hmm.
398
00:21:29,761 --> 00:21:31,681
I think it's wonderful!
399
00:21:31,841 --> 00:21:35,121
It's readily accessible,
it's inoffensive
400
00:21:35,281 --> 00:21:37,481
and yet in common everyday usage.
401
00:21:37,641 --> 00:21:40,081
Good! Then we are settled.
402
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:45,681
I remind you gentlemen
this is a most serious charge
403
00:21:45,841 --> 00:21:48,841
and the honour of the court
must not be traduced.
404
00:21:49,001 --> 00:21:51,121
Your Honour.
405
00:21:52,121 --> 00:21:53,441
Oh.
You right there?
406
00:21:53,601 --> 00:21:55,401
Yeah, I copped one
in the membrum.
407
00:21:55,561 --> 00:21:58,801
The Crown will present
detailed DNA evidence
408
00:21:58,961 --> 00:22:03,161
and a tale of a once happy community
409
00:22:03,321 --> 00:22:05,841
falling into hostility and violence
410
00:22:06,001 --> 00:22:11,801
as a result of reprehensible actions
by the accused, Alexander Alford.
411
00:22:12,801 --> 00:22:17,121
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
412
00:22:17,281 --> 00:22:20,401
I ask you to look at this poor man.
413
00:22:20,561 --> 00:22:24,321
Robert Oakley is
a respected public servant
414
00:22:24,481 --> 00:22:28,401
once charged with building
the Education Revolution
415
00:22:28,561 --> 00:22:31,601
in the primary schools
of New South Wales.
416
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,521
He was a proud man,
417
00:22:34,681 --> 00:22:39,561
but by virtue of the accused
and a pair of garden shears,
418
00:22:39,721 --> 00:22:41,521
he has been separated
419
00:22:41,681 --> 00:22:47,161
from that which traditionally
defines our masculinity.
420
00:22:47,321 --> 00:22:51,241
Bob now can have no more children.
421
00:22:51,401 --> 00:22:56,121
Relations with his lovely wife
will be forever tricky.
422
00:22:57,761 --> 00:22:59,441
This is a brutal, brutal crime
423
00:22:59,601 --> 00:23:03,921
by a man who deserves
your absolute condemnation.
424
00:23:05,481 --> 00:23:11,081
The case against my client you will find
is entirely circum...stantial.
425
00:23:11,241 --> 00:23:17,441
In 100% of cases of the relatively
recent phenomenon of Bobbitting,
426
00:23:17,601 --> 00:23:19,561
the assailant was found
to be a woman -
427
00:23:19,721 --> 00:23:22,361
the victim's lover or wife.
428
00:23:22,521 --> 00:23:24,481
100%.
429
00:23:24,641 --> 00:23:27,681
And yet the Crown would have you
believe that my client,
430
00:23:27,841 --> 00:23:33,081
a decent, hardworking IT lecturer,
431
00:23:33,241 --> 00:23:36,481
was reduced to an act
of animal depravity
432
00:23:36,641 --> 00:23:38,201
on the basis of what?
433
00:23:38,361 --> 00:23:42,401
The Crown will try
to present examples
434
00:23:42,561 --> 00:23:46,001
of squabbles between these families
435
00:23:46,161 --> 00:23:48,321
where things may have gotten
a little out of hand,
436
00:23:48,481 --> 00:23:51,721
but haven't we all known times
437
00:23:51,881 --> 00:23:56,081
when our neighbours
have driven us to madness,
438
00:23:56,241 --> 00:24:00,201
when we may have wanted to drop
a bit of litter on their lawn
439
00:24:00,361 --> 00:24:05,241
or scrawl a commonly used
expletive on a child's slide
440
00:24:05,401 --> 00:24:08,481
or...or urinate in their petrol tank?
441
00:24:08,641 --> 00:24:11,641
But how many here
would seriously think
442
00:24:11,801 --> 00:24:16,881
that this could lead
to the sort of terrible crime
443
00:24:17,041 --> 00:24:19,561
that my client is accused of?
444
00:24:19,721 --> 00:24:23,361
Ladies and gentlemen,
it makes no sense.
445
00:24:23,521 --> 00:24:26,041
The surgeons managed
to sew it back on.
446
00:24:26,201 --> 00:24:29,281
I'm only grateful that I already have
two beautiful children
447
00:24:29,441 --> 00:24:31,441
and a wife who's prepared
to stand by me.
448
00:24:31,601 --> 00:24:33,281
You are a monster!
449
00:24:33,441 --> 00:24:36,361
Please, control yourself.
450
00:24:36,521 --> 00:24:40,401
The police report tells us
that there were traces of Rohypnol
451
00:24:40,561 --> 00:24:42,761
in the bottle of cider
that you drank that night.
452
00:24:42,921 --> 00:24:44,241
That's correct.
453
00:24:44,401 --> 00:24:45,721
Alex knew every night before dinner
454
00:24:45,881 --> 00:24:47,721
I liked my small bottle
of imported English cider.
455
00:24:47,881 --> 00:24:49,881
Presumably, he wouldn't
have been the only person
456
00:24:50,041 --> 00:24:52,281
who would have been
a custodian of that information.
457
00:24:52,441 --> 00:24:54,401
Your wife, among many others,
would have known.
458
00:24:54,561 --> 00:24:56,401
Well, my wife was away
for the weekend
459
00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:58,281
at a golf tournament
when I was attacked.
460
00:24:58,441 --> 00:25:02,241
Tell us, when was the last time
my client was in your home?
461
00:25:02,401 --> 00:25:05,161
Um, maybe 18 months ago.
I see.
462
00:25:05,321 --> 00:25:07,481
So you figure that 18 months ago,
463
00:25:07,641 --> 00:25:09,721
knowing that he was
going to fall out with you,
464
00:25:09,881 --> 00:25:15,841
my client slipped a sleeping draught
in ye olde English cider bottle
465
00:25:16,001 --> 00:25:17,401
and bided his time?
466
00:25:17,561 --> 00:25:19,561
Obviously, he broke in
when I was out.
467
00:25:19,721 --> 00:25:24,961
Oh, I see. So locks were broken?
There were signs of unlawful entry?
468
00:25:25,121 --> 00:25:26,441
No, but he is a computer expert,
469
00:25:26,601 --> 00:25:28,121
so he could've decoded
my security system.
470
00:25:28,281 --> 00:25:29,281
I see.
471
00:25:29,441 --> 00:25:32,721
He could've been the bassoon player
with the Lithuanian Philharmonic,
472
00:25:32,881 --> 00:25:34,201
but he wasn't.
473
00:25:35,841 --> 00:25:39,361
Tell me, always been faithful
to your wife, Mr Oakley?
474
00:25:40,681 --> 00:25:42,001
Yes.
Right.
475
00:25:42,161 --> 00:25:44,801
May I remind you
you are under oath here.
476
00:25:44,961 --> 00:25:48,601
You've never slept with
another woman while married?
477
00:25:48,761 --> 00:25:52,241
No, never. I mean,
Barbara's my rock.
478
00:25:52,401 --> 00:25:55,281
No further questions.
Thank you, Your Honour.
479
00:25:56,281 --> 00:25:59,441
Now, to be absolutely clear,
you spent the night in question
480
00:25:59,601 --> 00:26:01,521
in the company of women
at a golf tournament?
481
00:26:01,681 --> 00:26:03,801
123, to be precise.
482
00:26:03,961 --> 00:26:06,441
That's a lot of witnesses.
483
00:26:06,601 --> 00:26:09,921
Given the number of incidents
you have recounted to this court,
484
00:26:10,081 --> 00:26:12,321
you became fearful of
your neighbour, the accused?
485
00:26:12,481 --> 00:26:14,401
I did. He changed.
486
00:26:14,561 --> 00:26:17,081
Alex was a placid, shapeless man
487
00:26:17,241 --> 00:26:20,521
who used to bore us with the
pros and cons between PCs and Macs
488
00:26:20,681 --> 00:26:23,081
and suddenly he seemed to snap.
489
00:26:23,241 --> 00:26:24,801
It was...
490
00:26:25,801 --> 00:26:28,601
..it was like living
in the Gaza Strip.
491
00:26:28,761 --> 00:26:30,161
You said in your testimony
492
00:26:30,321 --> 00:26:34,481
that you heard Alex threaten to cut off
your husband's membrum virile.
493
00:26:34,641 --> 00:26:35,961
His what?
494
00:26:36,121 --> 00:26:38,441
His membrum virile.
495
00:26:38,601 --> 00:26:41,081
His...whatnot.
496
00:26:42,521 --> 00:26:46,361
Nonsense. Nonny.
497
00:26:46,521 --> 00:26:47,921
His penis, you mean?
498
00:26:50,721 --> 00:26:54,281
Now, what exactly are you claiming
the accused said, Mrs Oakley?
499
00:26:54,441 --> 00:26:55,761
I heard raised voices
500
00:26:55,921 --> 00:26:58,841
and Alex yelling,
"I'll bloody chop your knob off."
501
00:26:59,001 --> 00:27:02,001
So he made no direct
anatomical reference whatsoever,
502
00:27:02,161 --> 00:27:06,241
a 'knob' meaning anything from
a door handle to a node of butter.
503
00:27:06,401 --> 00:27:10,041
Now, tell me, as a trained nurse
of 12 years standing,
504
00:27:10,201 --> 00:27:14,481
how difficult would it be
to apply a clamp after severance?
505
00:27:14,641 --> 00:27:17,441
I think you would need to know
what you were doing.
506
00:27:17,601 --> 00:27:19,561
I thought as much.
507
00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:23,361
You do know that Alex did
several St Johns Ambulance courses?
508
00:27:23,521 --> 00:27:26,041
So they teach that,
do they, at St Johns -
509
00:27:26,201 --> 00:27:30,641
snakebites, CPR,
membrum virile removal?
510
00:27:40,361 --> 00:27:42,961
"Bevan, with all my heart,
I give myself to you,
511
00:27:43,121 --> 00:27:45,161
"knowing our love
will last a lifetime,
512
00:27:45,321 --> 00:27:48,721
"that our long journey together
will be one of discovery
513
00:27:48,881 --> 00:27:51,801
"as we share each other's
dreams and hopes
514
00:27:51,961 --> 00:27:55,521
"and build a future and..."
515
00:28:06,361 --> 00:28:09,121
Barney, can you meet me, please?
516
00:28:13,281 --> 00:28:15,241
Dad.
Ah.
517
00:28:15,401 --> 00:28:17,121
It's really great to see you.
518
00:28:18,121 --> 00:28:20,521
How are you?
Oh, I'm good. Good, mate.
519
00:28:20,681 --> 00:28:22,001
Happy birthday.
520
00:28:22,161 --> 00:28:23,521
Yeah, no, well done, Cleave.
521
00:28:23,681 --> 00:28:26,121
What? It only took you
four reminders this year.
522
00:28:26,281 --> 00:28:27,601
Come on, Mum.
523
00:28:27,761 --> 00:28:30,081
Uh, Dad, this is Tara.
524
00:28:30,241 --> 00:28:32,041
Lovely to meet you, Tara.
You too.
525
00:28:32,201 --> 00:28:35,041
And this is Melissa.
Oh, I read your book.
526
00:28:35,201 --> 00:28:37,841
Oh, how'd you go with it?
I finished it.
527
00:28:38,001 --> 00:28:39,441
Well, I loved it,
528
00:28:39,601 --> 00:28:42,601
although I did wonder about
that childlike, substance-abusing,
529
00:28:42,761 --> 00:28:44,161
backgammon-playing lawyer.
530
00:28:44,321 --> 00:28:45,921
I mean, could anyone be
that dysfunctional?
531
00:28:46,081 --> 00:28:47,401
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
532
00:28:47,561 --> 00:28:49,681
Well, it's great
to have both of you here.
533
00:28:49,841 --> 00:28:51,161
Mm, now listen, mate.
534
00:28:51,321 --> 00:28:53,601
I thought you could
probably do with the dough
535
00:28:53,761 --> 00:28:55,401
rather than a boring old present, OK?
536
00:28:55,561 --> 00:28:56,881
Thanks, Dad.
537
00:28:57,041 --> 00:28:59,401
Just don't cash it
before the 17th.
538
00:28:59,561 --> 00:29:02,321
And actually...
Oh, give me a call, OK?
539
00:29:02,481 --> 00:29:05,121
You could use that to buy those books
I was telling you about.
540
00:29:05,281 --> 00:29:06,601
Well,
I'm sure our author here
541
00:29:06,761 --> 00:29:09,201
would be thrilled to hear
you're buying books.
542
00:29:09,361 --> 00:29:12,081
It's a series
and they're all connected.
543
00:29:12,241 --> 00:29:13,841
With each one,
you kind of learn more.
544
00:29:14,001 --> 00:29:15,721
- The plot thickens.
- Hello!
545
00:29:15,881 --> 00:29:17,761
Oh, hey, Rog!
Hey, Rog.
546
00:29:17,921 --> 00:29:19,241
Hello.
This is Tara.
547
00:29:19,401 --> 00:29:21,681
Hey, Tara. How are you? Hey.
Hey.
548
00:29:21,841 --> 00:29:23,561
Um, Roger... Cleaver,
you remember Roger?
549
00:29:23,721 --> 00:29:25,161
Indeedy I do.
550
00:29:25,321 --> 00:29:27,041
I've been looking forward
to seeing you, Cleave.
551
00:29:27,201 --> 00:29:29,681
I've been counting
the hours too, Roger.
552
00:29:29,841 --> 00:29:32,201
Now, from memory, you are
a big Rabbitohs fan, right?
553
00:29:32,361 --> 00:29:35,761
Yeah, no, not really.
I've sort of gone off the game.
554
00:29:35,921 --> 00:29:37,881
Since when?
Oh, I don't know.
555
00:29:38,041 --> 00:29:42,281
Lately it's all just kind of sexual
assault and groin strain these days.
556
00:29:42,441 --> 00:29:45,801
Oh, it's a shame you've gone off it.
Roger consults as an osteopath.
557
00:29:45,961 --> 00:29:47,881
Could have gotten you
free season tickets.
558
00:29:48,041 --> 00:29:49,201
Mmm.
559
00:29:50,201 --> 00:29:51,961
Now...
560
00:29:54,561 --> 00:29:56,321
For you, Fuzz.
561
00:29:56,481 --> 00:30:00,521
Spot's old jumper,
signed and possibly unwashed.
562
00:30:00,681 --> 00:30:02,761
Brilliant. Oh, thanks, Roger.
563
00:30:02,921 --> 00:30:05,121
Oh, man, you can smell
the sweat and blood.
564
00:30:05,281 --> 00:30:07,801
Not forgetting
the lady of the house -
565
00:30:07,961 --> 00:30:10,121
now, you said you liked
authentic kasundi, right?
566
00:30:10,281 --> 00:30:12,361
Oh!
God knows what it's like.
567
00:30:12,521 --> 00:30:14,561
Feel free to chuck it in the bin.
Rog, no.
568
00:30:14,721 --> 00:30:17,841
I find kasundi a little bland
or something. You know what I mean?
569
00:30:18,001 --> 00:30:21,721
It's a bit... Melissa makes her own
harissa relish. Don't you, darling?
570
00:30:21,881 --> 00:30:23,201
No, I don't.
571
00:30:23,361 --> 00:30:26,681
I thought you said you did.
No, you didn't.
572
00:30:28,081 --> 00:30:29,921
Happy birthday,
Fuzz, darling.
573
00:30:30,081 --> 00:30:33,041
Yes, happy birthday, buddy.
Good on you.
574
00:30:33,201 --> 00:30:35,201
Good on you, mate.
Thanks, Roger. Thanks, everyone.
575
00:30:35,361 --> 00:30:36,841
Many happy returns.
Yep.
576
00:30:38,281 --> 00:30:39,681
Well, dig in.
577
00:30:39,841 --> 00:30:42,881
Would you mind before we start?
578
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:45,881
Mind what?
If we hold hands.
579
00:30:47,361 --> 00:30:49,801
Uh, well, not in principle,
but how am I gonna eat?
580
00:30:49,961 --> 00:30:52,441
It's something I need
to do before each meal, Dad.
581
00:30:52,601 --> 00:30:55,121
To pay respect to his bounty.
582
00:30:55,281 --> 00:30:57,841
Whose bounty, sorry?
583
00:30:58,001 --> 00:30:59,721
Dad.
584
00:30:59,881 --> 00:31:02,721
Ohh.
585
00:31:10,241 --> 00:31:12,641
♪ Jesus is our friend
586
00:31:12,801 --> 00:31:16,561
♪ He's here with us tonight
587
00:31:16,721 --> 00:31:19,961
♪ Let's make him welcome
588
00:31:20,121 --> 00:31:23,121
♪ Show our delight
589
00:31:23,281 --> 00:31:25,601
♪ Jesus is our Lord
590
00:31:25,761 --> 00:31:29,641
♪ Rejoice in his blessing
591
00:31:29,801 --> 00:31:35,641
♪ Jesus is our Lord! ♪
592
00:31:35,801 --> 00:31:37,881
Amen.
Amen.
593
00:31:40,681 --> 00:31:42,281
This looks great.
594
00:31:42,441 --> 00:31:44,001
Well done, Mum.
595
00:31:44,161 --> 00:31:45,481
God Almighty!
596
00:31:45,641 --> 00:31:48,001
Oh, f... Arggh!
597
00:31:48,161 --> 00:31:51,721
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
598
00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:06,761
Your Honour,
I respectfully submit
599
00:32:06,921 --> 00:32:08,961
the charges against
my client be dismissed.
600
00:32:09,121 --> 00:32:12,321
There is clearly a serial
Bobbitter on the loose.
601
00:32:12,481 --> 00:32:13,961
We now have two...
602
00:32:14,121 --> 00:32:17,441
Uh, I'm sorry. What would
the plural be - 'membri'?
603
00:32:17,601 --> 00:32:21,121
That would be second
declension neuter, yes.
604
00:32:21,281 --> 00:32:23,241
And how appropriate
that it is 'neuter', Your Honour.
605
00:32:23,401 --> 00:32:25,441
What do you have to say
about this, Mr Crown?
606
00:32:25,601 --> 00:32:28,041
Your Honour,
the prosecution wishes to continue.
607
00:32:28,201 --> 00:32:33,721
Are you seriously suggesting
the man de-membrimised himself?
608
00:32:33,881 --> 00:32:36,761
Well, it's possible in order
to escape a lengthy prison term
609
00:32:36,921 --> 00:32:39,841
the accused committed
an act of self-mutilation.
610
00:32:40,001 --> 00:32:41,401
We've already established this man
611
00:32:41,561 --> 00:32:44,441
is prepared to do absolutely anything
in this neighbourhood war.
612
00:32:44,601 --> 00:32:48,601
Your Honour,
rather than torturing my poor client,
613
00:32:48,761 --> 00:32:51,441
we should be out there
advising the good burghers of Concord
614
00:32:51,601 --> 00:32:53,161
to wear protective kit.
615
00:32:53,321 --> 00:32:54,641
No, Mr Greene.
616
00:32:54,801 --> 00:32:57,201
I have heard nothing that warrants
dismissal of this case.
617
00:32:57,361 --> 00:32:58,681
We shall continue Friday.
618
00:32:58,841 --> 00:33:00,681
If your client is unable to attend,
619
00:33:00,841 --> 00:33:03,441
the court will organise
a video link.
620
00:33:03,601 --> 00:33:05,321
He'll make it here.
621
00:33:05,481 --> 00:33:10,481
A couple of ounces lighter maybe,
but he will be here.
622
00:33:10,641 --> 00:33:13,641
So I was thinking I'd start with a lunch
with Kristen at the 'Herald'.
623
00:33:13,801 --> 00:33:15,561
"Awful about that
Cal McGregor rape shit.
624
00:33:15,721 --> 00:33:18,161
"Oh, you didn't know?
Please forget I said anything.
625
00:33:18,321 --> 00:33:19,721
"Is your salad soggy?"
626
00:33:19,881 --> 00:33:21,441
The man hasn't been charged yet.
627
00:33:21,601 --> 00:33:23,041
That's why we leak it.
628
00:33:23,201 --> 00:33:25,641
Publicly, of course,
you say you won't comment,
629
00:33:25,801 --> 00:33:27,721
"Everyone has the right
to the presumption of innocence,
630
00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:29,201
"blah, blah, blah,"
631
00:33:29,361 --> 00:33:31,521
but we get it out there -
otherwise we lose traction.
632
00:33:31,681 --> 00:33:33,201
I think cool heads.
633
00:33:33,361 --> 00:33:35,241
Jesus, David.
You're a bloody killjoy.
634
00:33:35,401 --> 00:33:37,241
This is the first glimmer of hope
we've had
635
00:33:37,401 --> 00:33:39,281
since that last
bowel-cleansing election.
636
00:33:39,441 --> 00:33:42,001
Well, can't we look for hope
in our policies and our people
637
00:33:42,161 --> 00:33:44,241
and our agenda going forward
638
00:33:44,401 --> 00:33:46,361
rather than always
be tearing down other people
639
00:33:46,521 --> 00:33:48,081
on the basis of gutter talk?
640
00:33:51,201 --> 00:33:52,681
What? You are joking, right?
641
00:34:22,961 --> 00:34:26,401
Do you know
who I hate most of all?
642
00:34:26,561 --> 00:34:28,041
Me?
643
00:34:28,201 --> 00:34:29,721
Never you.
644
00:34:29,881 --> 00:34:31,881
Mick Jagger.
645
00:34:32,041 --> 00:34:35,121
The man's spent a lifetime
behaving exactly as he likes -
646
00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:37,641
women, parties, drugs, more women.
647
00:34:37,801 --> 00:34:41,401
I've spent 40 years
trying to have good values,
648
00:34:41,561 --> 00:34:43,521
trying to forge the kind of life
649
00:34:43,681 --> 00:34:46,601
that would lead me
to the position I now occupy.
650
00:34:47,601 --> 00:34:50,241
But if you ask any man -
or any woman, for that matter -
651
00:34:50,401 --> 00:34:52,521
whose life they'd prefer,
his or mine...
652
00:34:53,521 --> 00:34:54,841
He does move well.
653
00:34:55,001 --> 00:34:57,361
40 years.
654
00:34:57,521 --> 00:34:59,401
If only they'd tell you
when you're little,
655
00:34:59,561 --> 00:35:02,601
"Go feral, do as you please.
Everyone will love you for it."
656
00:35:02,761 --> 00:35:05,121
Why wasn't I told?
657
00:35:06,121 --> 00:35:08,961
How many people do you reckon
die paragons of virtue
658
00:35:09,121 --> 00:35:11,081
simply because
they didn't get found out?
659
00:35:11,241 --> 00:35:12,561
Impossible these days.
660
00:35:12,721 --> 00:35:15,521
One foot out of line, a millisecond
later, there you are on YouTube.
661
00:35:15,681 --> 00:35:19,361
Yeah, everyone knows
everyone else's business.
662
00:35:19,521 --> 00:35:22,441
Facebook, Twitter, Linkedln...
663
00:35:22,601 --> 00:35:25,801
Do you know how many phone accounts
we have, David? Seven.
664
00:35:25,961 --> 00:35:29,601
Seven phone bills arrive every month
665
00:35:29,761 --> 00:35:32,161
and I don't want
to speak with anyone.
666
00:35:33,161 --> 00:35:35,321
Oh, fuck them.
667
00:35:36,361 --> 00:35:39,041
Tell them whatever you want.
I don't care.
668
00:35:40,041 --> 00:35:42,001
Time to be a rock star.
669
00:35:46,401 --> 00:35:48,161
David.
670
00:35:48,321 --> 00:35:50,321
I'm really sorry.
671
00:35:50,481 --> 00:35:55,361
I am truly really fucking sorry.
672
00:36:22,481 --> 00:36:25,601
I am so sorry, from the bottom
of my heart. I mean it.
673
00:36:25,761 --> 00:36:28,001
I'm really...I'm really truly sorry.
Thank you.
674
00:36:28,161 --> 00:36:30,561
Things happen and you
don't have any idea why
675
00:36:30,721 --> 00:36:33,201
and you don't mean for them to happen,
but they just happen anyway.
676
00:36:33,361 --> 00:36:35,481
And I'm really not a bad person.
I promise.
677
00:36:35,641 --> 00:36:36,961
I never thought you were.
678
00:36:37,121 --> 00:36:39,881
Oh, God. This is such a bloody mess.
679
00:36:43,481 --> 00:36:45,521
Wedding plans going well, I see?
680
00:36:45,681 --> 00:36:47,281
Mm-hm.
681
00:36:52,521 --> 00:36:57,321
To say I'm surprised would be
selling the truth below wholesale.
682
00:36:57,481 --> 00:36:59,361
I'm in trouble.
683
00:37:00,601 --> 00:37:02,001
The last time I saw you
684
00:37:02,161 --> 00:37:05,361
you told me to get out and said
you never wanted to see me again.
685
00:37:05,521 --> 00:37:07,401
Yeah, I know what I said.
686
00:37:08,401 --> 00:37:10,201
I'm sorry.
687
00:37:10,361 --> 00:37:12,761
Well, are you sorry
or are you in trouble?
688
00:37:12,921 --> 00:37:15,921
Because I'm afraid I'm knee-deep
in penises at the moment.
689
00:37:16,081 --> 00:37:18,641
I think I'm going to go to prison.
690
00:37:18,801 --> 00:37:20,961
Right.
691
00:37:21,121 --> 00:37:23,361
Scarlet
loves you so much, Barney,
692
00:37:23,521 --> 00:37:26,201
and I love Bevan
and I am gonna make this work
693
00:37:26,361 --> 00:37:30,081
and if you love me, then you'll be happy
for me and you won't see me again.
694
00:37:30,241 --> 00:37:33,201
Hang on, hang on.
You said you saw my wife.
695
00:37:33,361 --> 00:37:36,241
Yeah, she confronted me
in Cleaver's room.
696
00:37:36,401 --> 00:37:38,921
She confronted you?
697
00:37:39,081 --> 00:37:41,161
What the hell was she doing
in Cleaver's room?
698
00:37:41,321 --> 00:37:42,641
She came to see me.
699
00:37:42,801 --> 00:37:47,441
She knows and I...I started
crying and it's just all...
700
00:37:47,601 --> 00:37:49,321
Goodbye.
701
00:37:51,121 --> 00:37:54,001
You may not
have a legal problem.
702
00:37:54,161 --> 00:37:56,681
The wheels of justice,
being what they are,
703
00:37:56,841 --> 00:37:59,721
will gradually grind
Cal's victim into the dirt
704
00:37:59,881 --> 00:38:03,121
until she can no longer
remember her own name.
705
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,721
What you do have is a moral problem.
706
00:38:05,881 --> 00:38:10,281
So do I protect this woman
and incriminate myself?
707
00:38:10,441 --> 00:38:12,921
I'm gonna have to ask you
who you were with.
708
00:38:13,081 --> 00:38:15,761
That's not relevant.
Well, you know they'll ask.
709
00:38:16,761 --> 00:38:18,161
David.
710
00:38:18,321 --> 00:38:19,961
David?
Mm.
711
00:38:20,121 --> 00:38:24,801
David Attenborough? David Beckham?
712
00:38:27,081 --> 00:38:29,281
Oh, please, no!
713
00:38:29,441 --> 00:38:32,641
David-not-Harry-sorry... Fuck!
714
00:38:33,921 --> 00:38:37,441
Oh! What is it with this guy?
715
00:38:37,601 --> 00:38:39,961
I open the cookie jar
and he shoves his hand in!
716
00:38:40,121 --> 00:38:41,441
Thanks for that analogy.
717
00:38:41,601 --> 00:38:43,001
You know this little prick
718
00:38:43,161 --> 00:38:46,241
is currently suing me for every cent
I have, the little hypocrite?
719
00:38:46,401 --> 00:38:50,961
That's not my concern. I...
Nothing happened between me and him.
720
00:38:51,121 --> 00:38:53,841
Please, can you just
tell me what to do?
721
00:38:54,001 --> 00:38:56,641
Well, you know what you have to do.
722
00:38:56,801 --> 00:39:00,961
Cal McGregor can't get away with this
no matter what happens to you.
723
00:39:01,121 --> 00:39:03,361
We're gonna have to
go to the police.
724
00:39:03,521 --> 00:39:06,161
And tell the truth?
Not what I said.
725
00:39:06,321 --> 00:39:08,681
Give us your phone.
726
00:39:08,841 --> 00:39:11,521
You see? It's in Arabic.
727
00:39:11,681 --> 00:39:14,961
Three months ago, a stupid joke
played on me at a party.
728
00:39:15,121 --> 00:39:16,441
Guilty.
729
00:39:16,601 --> 00:39:20,201
And it keeps reverting to Arabic
and it has a Muslim calendar.
730
00:39:20,361 --> 00:39:23,361
When I try to adjust it,
the date shifts back a day.
731
00:39:23,521 --> 00:39:26,601
So the meeting that I swore
I was at with Cal McGregor
732
00:39:26,761 --> 00:39:28,401
I now realise was the day before.
733
00:39:28,561 --> 00:39:30,321
If you knew the phone was dodgy
734
00:39:30,481 --> 00:39:33,641
why didn't you double-check the dates
before signing your statement?
735
00:39:33,801 --> 00:39:37,161
Well, she did, but her office computer's
linked to this phone
736
00:39:37,321 --> 00:39:38,721
and so the mistake was carried.
737
00:39:38,881 --> 00:39:40,201
See, that's what
interconnectivity is.
738
00:39:40,361 --> 00:39:42,641
It's basically the same fuck-up
replicated globally.
739
00:39:42,801 --> 00:39:44,761
Thank you.
I feel terrible about this, Scarlet.
740
00:39:44,921 --> 00:39:46,521
No, it's as much my fault, Cleave.
741
00:39:48,401 --> 00:39:50,681
You do realise
it's a very serious offence
742
00:39:50,841 --> 00:39:53,081
to lie on a sworn statement
to the police?
743
00:39:53,241 --> 00:39:54,561
Absolutely she does,
744
00:39:54,721 --> 00:39:57,401
and that's why as soon as she realised
she came straight here.
745
00:39:59,401 --> 00:40:01,361
Well, you're in luck.
746
00:40:02,361 --> 00:40:03,961
It would seem the woman in question
747
00:40:04,121 --> 00:40:06,401
has admitted she can't
be certain of the facts.
748
00:40:06,561 --> 00:40:08,081
The charges have been dropped.
749
00:40:08,241 --> 00:40:11,521
But they...they could be true.
750
00:40:11,681 --> 00:40:13,681
That's what I'm saying.
His alibi doesn't necessarily hold.
751
00:40:13,841 --> 00:40:15,321
It's over.
752
00:40:16,761 --> 00:40:18,521
Consider yourself lucky.
753
00:40:25,001 --> 00:40:28,001
He got to her. If I'd come
forward at the time...
754
00:40:28,161 --> 00:40:30,521
No, no, he would've
still paid her off.
755
00:40:30,681 --> 00:40:32,161
Come on. You're in the clear.
756
00:40:32,321 --> 00:40:34,361
Mm, so I'm respectable again.
Yeah.
757
00:40:34,521 --> 00:40:35,841
That was easy.
758
00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:37,961
God, it's so bloody tenuous.
759
00:40:38,121 --> 00:40:39,441
Wouldn't know.
760
00:40:39,601 --> 00:40:43,641
I've never been respectable,
never had all that far to fall.
761
00:40:43,801 --> 00:40:45,721
I gotta go.
762
00:40:46,721 --> 00:40:48,601
Are you OK?
763
00:40:50,401 --> 00:40:53,481
I have missed you, you know.
764
00:41:00,481 --> 00:41:03,481
Jesus. I'll go.
Thanks. Same. 'Bye.
765
00:41:05,161 --> 00:41:07,761
Alex, you have to tell us
what happened, mate.
766
00:41:07,921 --> 00:41:11,561
Facebook, Twitter, YouTube...
767
00:41:11,721 --> 00:41:13,041
Oh, not me.
768
00:41:13,201 --> 00:41:16,241
Give me Cobalt, give me Pascal,
769
00:41:16,401 --> 00:41:20,001
give me BASIC, Visual Basic,
770
00:41:20,161 --> 00:41:23,801
C any day.
771
00:41:25,241 --> 00:41:27,761
That's the kind of guy I am.
772
00:41:30,721 --> 00:41:32,641
Thought I am.
773
00:41:33,721 --> 00:41:36,361
A trojan got into the system.
774
00:41:36,521 --> 00:41:40,201
That's what happened.
A virus corrupted my system.
775
00:41:42,721 --> 00:41:46,081
All Alannah ever wanted was kids.
776
00:41:46,241 --> 00:41:47,721
And you couldn't have them?
777
00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:51,441
She was desperate,
crying all the time.
778
00:41:51,601 --> 00:41:54,521
The doctors said that she was
an intensely fertile woman,
779
00:41:54,681 --> 00:41:56,241
so the problem had to be me.
780
00:41:56,401 --> 00:42:02,281
So I...I paid that miserable bastard
$15,000 to impregnate her.
781
00:42:02,441 --> 00:42:06,961
Right, so you paid Bob
to artificially inseminate Alannah?
782
00:42:07,121 --> 00:42:11,241
No, she wanted it all to be natural.
783
00:42:12,521 --> 00:42:14,681
She had no time for test tubes.
784
00:42:14,841 --> 00:42:20,721
OK, and how many times would you say
that she and Bob were...natural?
785
00:42:20,881 --> 00:42:22,641
43 times...
786
00:42:24,161 --> 00:42:26,521
..at critical moments in her cycle.
787
00:42:26,681 --> 00:42:29,401
That's quite a lot of natural.
788
00:42:29,561 --> 00:42:31,961
And did his wife know about this?
789
00:42:32,121 --> 00:42:35,841
No, he made it a condition
that she didn't know.
790
00:42:36,001 --> 00:42:37,481
But Alannah didn't conceive?
791
00:42:37,641 --> 00:42:41,001
And he flatly refused
to give us our money back.
792
00:42:41,161 --> 00:42:44,881
He was paid to impregnate her,
not to have sex with her.
793
00:42:45,041 --> 00:42:46,801
We were cheated -
794
00:42:46,961 --> 00:42:49,641
me of my money and her of a baby.
795
00:42:49,801 --> 00:42:53,201
It's like someone turning up
to make your driveway, but...
796
00:42:54,801 --> 00:42:56,801
..not bringing cement.
797
00:42:56,961 --> 00:43:00,601
You realise this has implications,
it gives the prosecution a motive?
798
00:43:00,761 --> 00:43:02,961
I've been lying here
for the last four days
799
00:43:03,121 --> 00:43:06,361
wondering, "If I'd been a Mac guy would
my life have been different?"
800
00:43:08,241 --> 00:43:12,721
Using a UNIX-based system
with a C language...
801
00:43:18,601 --> 00:43:20,841
Harder for trojans to get in.
802
00:43:21,001 --> 00:43:23,081
43 times without scoring?
803
00:43:23,241 --> 00:43:25,161
The man should avoid poker.
804
00:43:25,321 --> 00:43:28,601
Doesn't help our boy, though.
Puts him dead in the spotlight.
805
00:43:30,641 --> 00:43:32,041
Barn?
806
00:43:32,201 --> 00:43:35,721
Yeah, they're gonna argue
it was an eye for an eye, so to speak.
807
00:43:35,881 --> 00:43:38,561
I still smell a woman's hand
in there somewhere.
808
00:43:38,721 --> 00:43:42,361
How can we get our hands
on his and Oakley's medical records?
809
00:43:42,521 --> 00:43:44,081
Listen.
810
00:43:44,241 --> 00:43:46,641
Nicole said she saw Scarlet
in your office.
811
00:43:46,801 --> 00:43:49,321
Yeah.
Why?
812
00:43:49,481 --> 00:43:53,321
I think she thinks
that I've been punished enough
813
00:43:53,481 --> 00:43:55,561
and so it's cool
for us to work together.
814
00:43:55,721 --> 00:43:57,841
She said that?
Yeah.
815
00:43:58,001 --> 00:43:59,521
Words to that effect.
816
00:43:59,681 --> 00:44:03,281
See if you can get your hands
on Bob Oakley's medical records.
817
00:44:06,961 --> 00:44:08,441
Alright.
818
00:44:10,561 --> 00:44:11,881
Cough.
Why?
819
00:44:12,041 --> 00:44:14,281
I don't have a cold. Neither does it.
820
00:44:14,441 --> 00:44:16,001
Alright, don't, then.
821
00:44:16,161 --> 00:44:18,601
The swelling seems to be subsiding.
822
00:44:18,761 --> 00:44:20,161
All your tests are back.
Everything's OK.
823
00:44:20,321 --> 00:44:22,721
Should be back to full strength
in a week or so.
824
00:44:24,601 --> 00:44:29,081
Hey, uh, Bern, did you
look at those files I sent you?
825
00:44:29,241 --> 00:44:31,921
I told you, Cleaver,
he's not my patient.
826
00:44:32,921 --> 00:44:36,561
But...let me ask you this.
827
00:44:37,561 --> 00:44:40,881
Does he have a permanent cold?
Nah...
828
00:44:41,041 --> 00:44:44,521
Oh, well, he's always sneezing.
Huh.
829
00:44:44,681 --> 00:44:48,441
Could be silica on the balls.
It makes men infertile.
830
00:44:48,601 --> 00:44:51,441
Well, it can't be that.
He's got two kids.
831
00:44:51,601 --> 00:44:53,081
Ah.
832
00:44:55,321 --> 00:44:58,601
OK, give Daddy a hug. Aww!
833
00:44:58,761 --> 00:45:01,001
Daddy loves you very much.
834
00:45:01,161 --> 00:45:02,641
OK, OK.
Rig, get off.
835
00:45:02,801 --> 00:45:04,801
Rigby, Daddy's not
a well man. Come on.
836
00:45:04,961 --> 00:45:06,281
'Bye, kids!
837
00:45:06,441 --> 00:45:08,481
Come on, Bob. Quick, quick, quick,
838
00:45:08,641 --> 00:45:10,321
'Bye.
Alright, 'bye. Bye-bye.
839
00:45:10,481 --> 00:45:13,561
This all comes down
to my cross-examination.
840
00:45:13,721 --> 00:45:16,201
I need this, Barnyard.
841
00:45:16,361 --> 00:45:19,881
Watch in awe as I rediscover
the source of the Nile.
842
00:45:20,041 --> 00:45:23,361
Mr Oakley, you stated under oath
that you never cheated on your wife.
843
00:45:23,521 --> 00:45:25,161
Do you still hold to that?
844
00:45:26,161 --> 00:45:29,001
Um, in my heart I never cheated.
845
00:45:29,161 --> 00:45:32,961
That's not the organ
we're focusing on here, Mr Oakley.
846
00:45:33,121 --> 00:45:35,241
Let me put the question to you again.
847
00:45:35,401 --> 00:45:41,281
Did you ever place your
membrum virile anywhere near the...
848
00:45:41,441 --> 00:45:45,881
What would the Latin word be?
Um... Oh, of course.
849
00:45:46,041 --> 00:45:49,081
..vagina of another woman?
850
00:45:49,241 --> 00:45:53,641
Specifically, were you not paid
a sum of $15,000
851
00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:55,841
to have sex with Alannah Alford
852
00:45:56,001 --> 00:45:59,121
in order that she might conceive
a much-wanted child?
853
00:46:02,081 --> 00:46:03,841
I'm so sorry, Barbara.
854
00:46:04,001 --> 00:46:05,721
I was only doing it
to help them out.
855
00:46:05,881 --> 00:46:08,441
And, I mean, you...you and I,
we weren't communicating.
856
00:46:08,601 --> 00:46:10,401
You were always off
on a golf course somewhere.
857
00:46:10,561 --> 00:46:11,881
Mr Oakley!
858
00:46:12,041 --> 00:46:14,321
But you weren't really
trying to help them, were you?
859
00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:16,321
You were just trying to fleece them
860
00:46:16,481 --> 00:46:21,801
because you knew very well that
you were incapable of having a child.
861
00:46:21,961 --> 00:46:24,321
What are you talking about?
I've got two children.
862
00:46:24,481 --> 00:46:26,361
Barbara? Barbara?
863
00:46:26,521 --> 00:46:28,201
Excuse me.
Barbara?
864
00:46:28,361 --> 00:46:30,161
Just tell them.
Sorry.
865
00:46:30,321 --> 00:46:32,321
Barbara!
866
00:46:35,241 --> 00:46:36,721
Uh...
867
00:46:38,961 --> 00:46:42,041
I put it to you that once you became
aware of your husband's infidelities
868
00:46:42,201 --> 00:46:44,321
you became hell-bent on revenge.
869
00:46:44,481 --> 00:46:47,921
I suggest that you snuck out
of your golf tournament,
870
00:46:48,081 --> 00:46:51,201
you drove back to the city,
you jumped the neighbour's fence,
871
00:46:51,361 --> 00:46:54,801
you got the garden shears and
you went about your terrible business.
872
00:46:54,961 --> 00:46:56,521
I did nothing of the sort.
873
00:46:56,681 --> 00:46:58,721
I couldn't have cared less
if he had an affair.
874
00:46:58,881 --> 00:47:00,881
I couldn't bear to be with him.
875
00:47:01,041 --> 00:47:05,321
OK, I know my life is just gonna
be a giant internet joke anyway,
876
00:47:05,481 --> 00:47:06,881
so here it is.
877
00:47:07,041 --> 00:47:09,561
Bob, neither child is yours.
878
00:47:09,721 --> 00:47:11,081
I've been having affairs
879
00:47:11,241 --> 00:47:13,361
to break the interminable
boredom of life with you.
880
00:47:13,521 --> 00:47:14,521
Order!
881
00:47:14,681 --> 00:47:16,401
I've been having them for years.
882
00:47:16,561 --> 00:47:18,561
Bob was never a sexual man.
883
00:47:18,721 --> 00:47:20,921
He...he was never
much of a man at all.
884
00:47:21,081 --> 00:47:23,001
I won't have you say that!
885
00:47:23,161 --> 00:47:25,601
Bobby is a sexual dynamo
886
00:47:25,761 --> 00:47:29,001
who made me cross boundaries
that I never thought I could.
887
00:47:29,161 --> 00:47:30,481
You turned to golf
888
00:47:30,641 --> 00:47:33,441
because the tennis girls didn't
trust you with their husbands!
889
00:47:33,601 --> 00:47:35,001
Order!
What are you saying?
890
00:47:35,161 --> 00:47:38,121
Your Honour, I might need
a moment to confer with my client.
891
00:47:38,281 --> 00:47:39,921
And I saw you, Alex.
892
00:47:40,081 --> 00:47:41,761
You were climbing the fence
and holding the shears!
893
00:47:41,921 --> 00:47:43,121
Order!
894
00:47:43,281 --> 00:47:45,801
The next minute, my darling
Bobby had been brutalised.
895
00:47:45,961 --> 00:47:49,121
Well, I finally got some justice!
896
00:47:49,281 --> 00:47:51,121
Mrs Alford!
Alannah, did you...
897
00:47:51,281 --> 00:47:54,001
If you want it back,
try the wild cats' cage at the zoo.
898
00:47:54,161 --> 00:47:57,641
And for the record,
they didn't find it very satisfying.
899
00:47:57,801 --> 00:47:59,361
Your Honour, uh...
900
00:47:59,521 --> 00:48:01,401
Oh, forget it.
Order!
901
00:48:01,561 --> 00:48:04,401
Less the Nile and more shit creek.
902
00:48:10,881 --> 00:48:13,161
So, Barnyard...
903
00:48:14,601 --> 00:48:19,761
..my secretary has, uh, spent
much of the past working week
904
00:48:19,921 --> 00:48:21,881
sobbing into chambers' toilet paper.
905
00:48:22,041 --> 00:48:24,041
Now, normally I'd put that
down to me,
906
00:48:24,201 --> 00:48:26,961
but I do have to ask you, mate -
907
00:48:27,121 --> 00:48:28,801
this mysterious lady
908
00:48:28,961 --> 00:48:33,561
who's been taking you to new horizons
of orgasmic fulfilment,
909
00:48:33,721 --> 00:48:37,361
that wouldn't happen
to be Nicole, would it?
910
00:48:41,441 --> 00:48:43,001
Well done, mate.
911
00:48:43,161 --> 00:48:44,801
Slipped one in before the marriage.
912
00:48:44,961 --> 00:48:48,161
I didn't "slip one in"!
I'm not that kind of person.
913
00:48:48,321 --> 00:48:49,641
Can't you see?
914
00:48:49,801 --> 00:48:53,841
For me to do something like that,
it's totally significant.
915
00:48:54,001 --> 00:48:56,121
It has to be.
916
00:48:57,441 --> 00:48:59,881
Well, you...
917
00:49:00,041 --> 00:49:03,681
Yeah, well, it makes sense.
918
00:49:03,841 --> 00:49:05,641
I mean, your marriage is shit.
919
00:49:06,641 --> 00:49:09,441
Actually, you guys are perfect
for each other. You're bookends.
920
00:49:09,601 --> 00:49:11,201
It's no wonder the sex was great.
921
00:49:11,361 --> 00:49:14,841
Ordinary, normal people
are great at sex.
922
00:49:15,001 --> 00:49:16,401
It's your big trump card.
923
00:49:16,561 --> 00:49:18,441
It's people like me
who are hit-and-miss.
924
00:49:18,601 --> 00:49:22,281
It's not about sex
and it's never going to be.
925
00:49:22,441 --> 00:49:24,761
So just stay out of it.
926
00:49:24,921 --> 00:49:26,601
Uh-huh.
I mean it, Cleave.
927
00:49:26,761 --> 00:49:28,321
I mean it.
928
00:49:30,321 --> 00:49:34,081
Does she make you happy? Barney?
929
00:49:34,241 --> 00:49:35,961
No.
930
00:49:36,121 --> 00:49:38,001
Barney?
931
00:49:38,161 --> 00:49:40,681
She needs to know, mate!
932
00:49:52,001 --> 00:49:53,801
You paid her off, didn't you?
933
00:49:56,281 --> 00:49:58,241
Handsomely.
934
00:49:59,841 --> 00:50:04,281
But whatever you think of me,
I don't rape women.
935
00:50:04,441 --> 00:50:07,601
The person in question was
someone I was having a fling with.
936
00:50:07,761 --> 00:50:10,361
I broke up with her,
she got angry...
937
00:50:11,401 --> 00:50:13,641
I suppose I should
have been more careful.
938
00:50:13,801 --> 00:50:15,761
Excuse me if I don't believe you.
939
00:50:15,921 --> 00:50:18,001
I've handed in my resignation.
940
00:50:18,161 --> 00:50:20,761
Well, for the best.
941
00:50:20,921 --> 00:50:23,601
Let's put it down as
an experiment that didn't pay off.
942
00:50:28,801 --> 00:50:31,281
If you think you're gonna
get away with this,
943
00:50:31,441 --> 00:50:32,921
you've got another thing coming.
944
00:50:33,081 --> 00:50:37,361
Oh, I wouldn't threaten me.
945
00:50:37,521 --> 00:50:41,361
I'm not sure you hold any
of the picture cards, as we speak.
946
00:51:33,441 --> 00:51:34,761
Come on!
947
00:51:34,921 --> 00:51:37,801
The sooner we get this over with,
the sooner I can go back to bed.
948
00:51:41,001 --> 00:51:42,561
Cleaver.
Yeah.
949
00:51:42,721 --> 00:51:44,161
What are you thinking?
I...
950
00:51:44,321 --> 00:51:46,521
Look, I'm just gonna have
a little chat with the bride.
951
00:51:46,681 --> 00:51:48,001
What about?
952
00:51:48,161 --> 00:51:49,921
I'm not convinced
this is such a good idea.
953
00:51:50,081 --> 00:51:51,601
For God's sake. She's wearing white.
954
00:51:51,761 --> 00:51:53,241
There are two women
carrying her train.
955
00:51:53,401 --> 00:51:55,201
It's not the time
for a little chat.
956
00:51:55,361 --> 00:51:57,641
My best mate's happiness
is hanging by a thread, alright?
957
00:51:57,801 --> 00:52:00,521
He just needs a little help.
This is the least I can do.
958
00:52:00,681 --> 00:52:02,041
Nicole!
959
00:52:04,481 --> 00:52:07,281
I bloody told you not to interfere!
960
00:52:07,441 --> 00:52:08,961
I'm...I'm doing this for you, mate.
961
00:52:09,121 --> 00:52:11,521
No, you're not, you're not.
962
00:52:11,681 --> 00:52:13,321
You're not! Cleaver!
963
00:52:13,481 --> 00:52:16,161
Alright.
Alright?
964
00:52:16,321 --> 00:52:18,801
Alright. OK, OK. Let me up. Oh!
965
00:52:18,961 --> 00:52:21,201
Oh, fuck.
Idiot.
966
00:52:22,481 --> 00:52:24,961
You are.
No, you are.
967
00:52:25,961 --> 00:52:27,281
Nicole!
968
00:52:27,441 --> 00:52:28,761
Ohh!
969
00:52:28,921 --> 00:52:31,441
I fucked up your life, mate.
I know I did.
970
00:52:31,601 --> 00:52:34,401
And I feel so terrible about it,
but I can make it right.
971
00:52:34,561 --> 00:52:36,841
I can fix it, alright?
972
00:52:37,001 --> 00:52:38,841
Yeah? Oh, fuck!
973
00:52:39,001 --> 00:52:40,441
Cleaver!
Get fucked!
974
00:52:40,601 --> 00:52:41,921
Oh, yeah?
975
00:52:42,081 --> 00:52:44,761
Oh!
Stop it!
976
00:52:44,921 --> 00:52:47,281
Oh, you said that
you loved her, mate.
977
00:52:47,441 --> 00:52:49,881
You said she was the only thing
that made any sense.
978
00:52:50,041 --> 00:52:51,921
Nicole!
979
00:52:52,081 --> 00:52:55,081
Shut up! Shut up
and listen to me, alright?
980
00:52:55,241 --> 00:52:59,041
I made a mistake.
It was just a root.
981
00:52:59,201 --> 00:53:05,041
I realised I am
that sort of person, OK?
982
00:53:17,201 --> 00:53:20,641
Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today in this place
983
00:53:20,801 --> 00:53:25,441
to celebrate the marriage
of Nicole and Bevan...